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God’s Email to Pat Robertson

God’s Email to Pat Robertson

September 24, 2005


From: God ( theboss@heaven.com)
To: Pat Robertson ( probertson@cbn.com)

Subject: Hurricanes
__________________________________________________________________

Dear Pat:

Forgive me for you using email, but this is the only way I can reach you. Luckily, Hillary was kind enough to forward me your address.

After hearing your comment that Hurricane Katrina might be an expression of my anger over abortions and before you said anything about Hurricane Rita, I thought it was time for us to have a “come to Jesus” discussion. (You get it!)

This Katrina nonsense just doesn’t make sense. Why would I hit two Gulf states that have low abortion rates to express my fury over abortions? If I was mad at Louisiana and Mississippi it was for things you don’t want to hear about, such as these states having the second and third highest rate of families in poverty or their use of the death penalty. That explanation makes far more sense; because haven’t you noticed that during hurricane and tornado season I mainly stick it to what you call “red states”?

That’s beside the point, however, because I do not destroy communities to express my anger and I do not answer prayers that foreign leaders be killed or that Supreme Court justices retire. (I usually don’t get involved in sports either, but I just couldn’t help myself last fall with the Red Sox.) I think it is that you actually read the New Testament instead of clinging to these Old Testament views like people from the 1970’s who still have a Betamax or 8-track cassette player.

And also stop taking credit for saving Virginia Beach from Hurricanes Gloria and Felix (unless, of course, you also take the blame for all the other hurricanes). If I hear you brag about that one more time, Virginia Beach will be the first place on earth to get a blizzard of yellow snow.

Now let’s talk about your friend, Mr. Bush. It is true that he is a man of prayer but the signals from the White House keep getting jammed by Secret Service. All I hear is one guy saying “God save Halliburton from those &@#!,” and the other who keeps saying pennants instead of penance but I can’t tell which one is Bush or Cheney.

I was not happy when you told the world that I said Bush would be reelected in a landslide. It turns out that he just barely won, so people will either think that I was wrong or you’re a liar. I’m never wrong, so I think it’s time you fessed up to people that your mouth was running faster than your brain that day.
I simply do not endorse candidates or give tips on winners in upcoming elections (although you might want to find some hobbies because I think things might slow down for you after 2008). If I was going to endorse a candidate, however, it certainly wouldn’t be Mr. Bush. He has sewn destruction and division throughout the world and lies so often that I have Einstein working overtime to keep count. Luckily for you and Mr. Bush, I do not do politics. I’m God, remember – I have better things to do.

Finally, stop using my name to convince people to hate other people or to justify war or killing. That’s the one thing that peeves me off the most. I made all of you – male, female, black, white, gay, straight, Catholics, Protestants, Jews, Muslims and even right-wing ministers. What concerns me most is not the battle over gay marriage or the war in Iraq, but the battle between love and hate. Far too often, you have been on the wrong side in this fight. It still puzzles me how you can make such a fuss about the Ten Commandments but then simply ignore the Golden Rule. If you want to use my name, use it to promote love, generosity, peace and kindness and not violence, hate or bigotry.

I hope this gets through those blasted spam filters. If not, I’ll have Rev. Jackson drop it off with you. Please share this with your colleagues, especially Rev. Falwell, since it’s time they got the message too.

Love,

God

PS – I hope you don’t mind but I’m adding you to our newsletter list. It’s really informative and has great tips like recipes on Angel Food Cake from the experts.

Bennet Kelley is the author of “President Bush: The False Prophet of the Christian Right,” which appears in “Big Bush Lies” (RiverWood Books 2004).

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